[Book] The Last Templar (21)

Imagine Dan Brown, amidst writing his historical...ish... novels tore out all the uninteresting and predictable parts and tossed them on the floor, where they were later collected by migrant birds, who built a nest out of the scraps. Years later, after some of those pages were lost, some editor came back and took the nest and published it.

This is how The Last Templar came to be. History proves it.*

I unfortunately did not get to read reviews for this book, as I picked it up at the airport in Reno when I had run out of reading materials. I'm a sucker for medieval storytelling, so what the heck.

Man, what a mistake. The book's biggest problem is straightforward, cookie-cutter characters. Characters like this then lend to trite, hackneyed dialogue.

The premise of the book is this:
Four masked men steal a strange Vatican artifact while it is on displayed at the Met. This leads an investigator... a beaten-down, Catholic-background, trying-to-do-the-right-thing investigator (a Bruce Willis character if there ever was one)... to team up with a girl-power, know-it-all, secular archaeologist to hunt down this artifact. The fate of the Catholic church (and the world, the book assumes) hangs in the balance. Every cliche character the author can manage is squeezed in, including the power-hungry Catholic official and the old man wronged by the church who's back with a vengeance.

The story manages to be both boring and straightforward. Pretty much every event happens as you would expect it. The dialogue is awful. Sentences are broken up to be dramatic. Like this. It's as if the author wanted a Law & Order dun-dun after every chapter (which just happen to be modeled after Dan Brown's two-page, oh-you're-reading-so-much chapters). Want some examples?

"Sitting in the second boat, watching them with a look of muted delight . . . was William Vance.
He was cradling a shotgun."
. . . . .
DUN-DUN

---

"There in front of her was a brick wall.
It was a dead end."
. . . . .
DUN-DUN


So we come to the worst part of the book: the MOST formulaic, the MOST smug, the most oversimplified. I'm about to ruin the story, but I'm saving you $12 and a world of literary hurt. The female protagonist finds the artifact that could dismantle the entire Catholic church. But... she was just rescued by these kind islanders, who happen to be ... Catholic. They also happen to be poor fishermen who live on an island with their kindly, gentle fishermen wives. They are the only characters in the book who don't speak English, and they attend a whitewashed, homely cathedral from centuries past. I swear I am not making this part of the story up.

So when the main character gets her chance to reveal the Catholic faith for the scourge it is, she thinks about these kind villagers, at which point, she tosses the artifact into the ocean. She can't bear to unveil to these poor ignorant fishermen the truth behind their faith because, well... because they're so nice!

The Last Templar is awful. Please don't read it, unless you are willing to buy my copy.

The Last Templar Rating: 21 / 100
Subratings:
Story Idea: 4 / 10
Writing Style: 2 / 10
Excitement Level: 3 / 10


*Just as history has proven The DaVinci Code.